Sidewalk Hogs < A Rant >
According to the U.S. Census, the median age of the U.S. population is 38.9 years old. That means, on average, Americans are fully grown adults—with jobs, mortgages, and at least four streaming subscriptions. And yet, somehow, these people still — still! — DO NOT KNOW HOW TO USE A SIDEWALK.
You ever walk down the street, minding your business, when a group of four pops up, shoulder to shoulder — as if they’re about to start dancing the can-can? Except they never start dancing can-can. Instead, they take up the entire sidewalk, plowing straight into you like some reverse Red Rover. They are not adjusting. Not consolidating. Not lining up into a file to let you pass. Because they’re too busy talking about inner child work or some Netflix documentary about con artists, they are completely unaware other people exist.
So now YOU have to step around—into the grass, into the dirt, into the traffic.
HOW?! UGH!!!
We were taught how to walk in a single file line in preschool! “Follow the leader, hold the walking rope.” It was drilled into our tiny little heads when we were four! But by the middle school it stopped. Enter chaos…
You guys, it’s obvious: walking in a single file should be a part of the secondary education. Every morning. Pledge of allegiance, then walk in a file.
OK, maybe not every morning — but at least a few times a year. School shooting drill, then walk in a file. Mandatory walking exam. If you don’t pass, you don’t graduate. They revoke your sidewalk-walking license, a sidewalk enforcement officer tases you, and you spend a week picking up litter. Bam! Perfect!
Yes, sounds a bit like a communist dictatorship but… desperate times demand desperate measures. And I MEAN desperate because people who can’t walk in a single file are. the reason. this country. is falling apart.
Selfish pricks! If you can’t share a sidewalk, how are you gonna share a country? A planet? When the doomsday clock hits midnight, these are the people who are why!
I don’t know about you, but I’m done moving!
Next time, I’M STANDING STILL. I’m letting them walk right into me. I don’t care if I get knocked over — I’M FALLING LIKE A SOCCER PLAYER. I’m hitting the ground, grabbing my knee, screaming: “Ah! Ahhhh! Ah!! My… spine!”
And then… I am suing. I’m getting a check. And another check. And another check. Until people start whispering warnings: “Watch out. There’s a sidewalk scammer. Single file, or you’re next.”